Things did get better
I began 2015 with the statement "It has to get better eventually."
And you know what? Things did get better in bits and pieces.
Depression, mourning, and nightmares are still an ongoing issue, but to some extent those will always be ongoing issues. The pain of loss doesn't seem to lessen, just gets walled off. My depression has been more laced with mania, which in some ways is an improvement since I've found a handful of creative outlets that help me channel the energy (of course, not being able to stop the overflow of ideas at 3AM isn't necessarily a good thing).
Work-wise I had ups and downs. The first half of the year involved a lot of temping at fantastic libraries, a short stint at a human-services agency where I was hired as one thing but unknowingly needed to be another, an unfortunate turning down of a second interview for a part-time job because I had started what was meant to be a permanent full-time position, and finally landing a permanent part-time job at the start of the new fiscal year with additional employment lined up for the 2015-16 school year as a part-time sabbatical replacement for a librarian at Hogwarts. I also picked up some on-call work, I spend about 15 hours a month at a local indie bookstore and I became the local back-up/heir-apparent Quiz Master for Geeks Who Drink. Financially, I don't have the stability I need, but it's getting there.
The repairs to my mom's house were finished and it sold very shortly after going on market. Everything from the sale is going to the bank and probate court, so nothing there to reinvest in future property.
I stopped speaking with my father, though I made an attempt to explain to him why. From what I can tell that message was utterly ignored and he's been pretending nothing is wrong. At some point we'll actually have to deal with it all, but I know that I'm not emotionally health or stable enough to handle it nor do I know how to have the conversations without saying things that can not be taken back. Since I've by and large cut ties I've felt freer. The conversation I've had with him since was rather like speaking to a near-stranger. I have started communicating with my baby brother, so it's interesting to start to get to know him away from his parents.
My other half has had some huge stresses this past year of various natures, but we're pulling through. Among other things he's started a new job after 10 years at the same shop, and overall seems much happier.
Creativity and gaming wise this has been a pretty big year. I had a goal of getting published somehow in 2015, focusing on my reviewing. I didn't quite achieve that in a traditional sense, but I managed a few guest blogs, had several publisher featured reviews, and have started contributing to the 5 Minute Librarian blog's Spoiler's Sweetie feature.
I was only able to attend one weekend LARP this year, one where we took on 80's teen movie stereotypes and fought slasher movie horrors. I started attending a local "parlor" Changeling: the Lost LARP, that introduced me so fantastic new friends and ultimately has gotten me involved with founding a new Minds Eye Society domain. Another group of my friends is in the middle of establishing a new LARP, starting with a series of one-shots, and I'm on board as the NPC Coordinator (basically stage managing crossed with cat herding). Currently we're doing a lot of brainstorming of plot and needs.
The Star Wars game I've played in for eight years ended in August. Now we're starting up a new game using the Atomic Highway setting. I've started running my own RPG for Robbie and several of our friends. Running my own game is something I've avoided for years, largely out of doubt of my storytelling abilities. I'm loving it. Mind you, I'm still constantly worrying about covering my bases and if my players will enjoy it. But my players are having fun, and I'm finally getting to shape these snippets of story that have floated around in my head for years into a game plot.
I'm going to be looking at submitting proposals to local conferences. I've presented before, but there was a certain amount of going in blind. This time I have most of what I need together for a group panel, and really only needs polishing to turn it into a conference paper.
I hope things continue to get better in 2016, but more than anything this year I'm seeking stability.
And you know what? Things did get better in bits and pieces.
Depression, mourning, and nightmares are still an ongoing issue, but to some extent those will always be ongoing issues. The pain of loss doesn't seem to lessen, just gets walled off. My depression has been more laced with mania, which in some ways is an improvement since I've found a handful of creative outlets that help me channel the energy (of course, not being able to stop the overflow of ideas at 3AM isn't necessarily a good thing).
Work-wise I had ups and downs. The first half of the year involved a lot of temping at fantastic libraries, a short stint at a human-services agency where I was hired as one thing but unknowingly needed to be another, an unfortunate turning down of a second interview for a part-time job because I had started what was meant to be a permanent full-time position, and finally landing a permanent part-time job at the start of the new fiscal year with additional employment lined up for the 2015-16 school year as a part-time sabbatical replacement for a librarian at Hogwarts. I also picked up some on-call work, I spend about 15 hours a month at a local indie bookstore and I became the local back-up/heir-apparent Quiz Master for Geeks Who Drink. Financially, I don't have the stability I need, but it's getting there.
The repairs to my mom's house were finished and it sold very shortly after going on market. Everything from the sale is going to the bank and probate court, so nothing there to reinvest in future property.
I stopped speaking with my father, though I made an attempt to explain to him why. From what I can tell that message was utterly ignored and he's been pretending nothing is wrong. At some point we'll actually have to deal with it all, but I know that I'm not emotionally health or stable enough to handle it nor do I know how to have the conversations without saying things that can not be taken back. Since I've by and large cut ties I've felt freer. The conversation I've had with him since was rather like speaking to a near-stranger. I have started communicating with my baby brother, so it's interesting to start to get to know him away from his parents.
My other half has had some huge stresses this past year of various natures, but we're pulling through. Among other things he's started a new job after 10 years at the same shop, and overall seems much happier.
Creativity and gaming wise this has been a pretty big year. I had a goal of getting published somehow in 2015, focusing on my reviewing. I didn't quite achieve that in a traditional sense, but I managed a few guest blogs, had several publisher featured reviews, and have started contributing to the 5 Minute Librarian blog's Spoiler's Sweetie feature.
I was only able to attend one weekend LARP this year, one where we took on 80's teen movie stereotypes and fought slasher movie horrors. I started attending a local "parlor" Changeling: the Lost LARP, that introduced me so fantastic new friends and ultimately has gotten me involved with founding a new Minds Eye Society domain. Another group of my friends is in the middle of establishing a new LARP, starting with a series of one-shots, and I'm on board as the NPC Coordinator (basically stage managing crossed with cat herding). Currently we're doing a lot of brainstorming of plot and needs.
The Star Wars game I've played in for eight years ended in August. Now we're starting up a new game using the Atomic Highway setting. I've started running my own RPG for Robbie and several of our friends. Running my own game is something I've avoided for years, largely out of doubt of my storytelling abilities. I'm loving it. Mind you, I'm still constantly worrying about covering my bases and if my players will enjoy it. But my players are having fun, and I'm finally getting to shape these snippets of story that have floated around in my head for years into a game plot.
I'm going to be looking at submitting proposals to local conferences. I've presented before, but there was a certain amount of going in blind. This time I have most of what I need together for a group panel, and really only needs polishing to turn it into a conference paper.
I hope things continue to get better in 2016, but more than anything this year I'm seeking stability.
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