July and Mental Health

To be completely frank, July is an utter shit show for me.

This is not helped by my life-long coping method of suppression and keeping so busy I don't have time to think about the problem.  I'm not sure when July started being so difficult for me emotionally, but based on the snippets of writing floating around (some hopefully to never see the light of day again), almost every July since I was 11 or 12 I've struggled with very deep depression.

I guess I don't have to worry about it being Seasonal Affective Disorder, right?

(Never mind, according to the Mayo Clinic, SAD sometimes does involve summer depression.  So, who knows?  Not me, definitely not what I went to school for.)

One of these days I hope to have both the time and the income to allow me to see a therapist.  But I'll be honest, money is tight and thanks to working multiple jobs, my schedule ends up highly irregular.  And the fun thing about anxiety and depression is it makes the idea of finding a therapist you can trust and progress with a frightening and intimidating process.  But in the meantime, I'm not sure how therapy and a full time job are supposed to work out, and well, I like having a home and being able to eat when I'm hungry.  So I just continue pushing things and wear my Customer Service mask while at work and try not to be an unbearable mess at home.

To top all this off, three years ago I lost my mom.  Without getting into things, I'm still an absolute wreck over that.  And now I have an anniversary intimately tied with a preexisting cyclical deep depression.  Most of the month I have a near inability to tell you what day it is.  My insomnia and anxiety flair up, with my spouse bearing the brunt of the latter.  I have a lot of experience functioning on too little sleep, so I deal with the former.  Tasks where I have explicit accountability to someone else I do decently with, so work doesn't suffer, but both extracurricular projects and housekeeping definitely do.

Feedback indicates I present a pretty good face to the world on all of this.  I'm generally surprised to hear how "together" I seem to have it.  But since that is part of my ill-advised coping strategy, I guess I'm doing something right?

I'm not sure what the takeaway from all this is.  Maybe I just felt the need to post an explanation for why I'm falling behind or not delivering in certain situations.  Or maybe it's just a reflection on an issue I can't ignore right now.  But what are blogs for if not for some self-centered and self-directed remonstration.


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